Thursday, March 31, 2011

We belong...

I've been thinking a lot about belonging. About how we, as individuals, belong. To whatever. Whomever. However.

It's an important concept. Or so I've come to believe. We all long to belong, yes? It makes more sense if you actually think about it. The idea. Of belonging. If you don't think about it, if you take it for granted, the idea that you just belong, well, there's no room for discussion. For thought.

But if you're me, and you've always felt you've never belonged, to any one group, or to any one idea, then you struggle. And it's a horrendous struggle. It lacks definition, boundaries; it lacks the hues and strengths of colour and pretext. It lacks depth and perception. There's no sense to it. No matter how you try, you simply cannot bring to completion a full picture.

What I've come to know is that we choose to whom, or what, we belong. It's an individual choice. You can want to belong. To all kinds of groups. Or you can choose to not belong at all (which is self-defeating; no matter what you think, you will always belong to some group, will you or nil you. No man is an island, right?)

I've spent many years fighting against belonging to anyone or any thing. I've been singular in my devotion to self, to the detriment of myself. Therein lies the lesson I have learned. You can't fight what is natural. People need to belong. If you don't belong, to someone, something, some...idea...there's something seriously wrong. With you? Maybe. Hey, if you can't take a little criticism, sorry, but there it is. That criticism is leveled against me, as well. I've learned the hard way, that as much as I've ever (once upon a time) not wanted to belong, it doesn't work that way.

I find myself now in a position where I belong, without even really meaning to. Happenstance is a ridiculously long word that basically means, yeah, shit happens. And I find I want to belong. I can have a talent, and a character, and possibly a career, and certainly friends and associates, and a girl, and all the good stuff that comes with all those things...and it means I belong. To something. To someone. To this life. To humanity.

Once upon a time that would have made me rebel. Once upon a time I would have fought the very idea. Now? Well now, I temper my temper, and I think, Well, why not? It's not a bad thing. To belong. If I belong. If they want me, accept me. If she wants me, accepts me.

I can only fight for so long. And I'm tired of fighting. One sided fights are exhausting.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Timing is everything

It's been awhile since I've blogged.

Not for lack of ideas. I have countless ideas (okay, some of them are ridiculous, or intensely personal, or maybe, um, walking the fine side of overtly sexual), but I've also been doing other things, like working on my current novel, submitting my first novel to a new publisher (and currently waiting on said publisher to discuss said novel, yay!), preparing for a move to a new residence, working diligently at a new job...I'm busy, dammit!

But, BUT, I've also been doing one other thing...something I haven't done in a long, long time: I'm conversing with a woman. Seriously conversing. Like, with serious intentions. This has not happened in quite some time. And I came across her, I mean literally stumbled upon her, at a dating site I joined about 3 months ago. And she's lovely. A wonderful person. I'm actually excited. The potential excites me. But okay, I should provide some backstory.

I blogged a couple of times about my intention to date, and my joining a couple of dating sites, and how very disgusted I was by them, disgusted and disappointed. Both in the sites, and in the women who...populate them. It often appeared to me that many women were merely on those sites to extol their wonderful attributes, their stunning personalities, their amazing skills (don't read anything into that...sexual, I mean), and how they would be the PERFECT partner for most any woman. So these women post their profiles, go to all the effort of filling in these questionnaires, many post pictures (if you don't, I've got issues with you right there), and then...NOTHING.

I don't have self-esteem issues. I'm an attractive woman, and I know it. I have a fine personality, and many excellent characteristics. But not one woman ever messaged me. NOT ONE! This astounded first. Until I really thought about it, and realized that perhaps many women use these sites in a narcissistic manner. "Hey, this is all about me, so I'm going to tell you everything I think you should know, and I'm going to go on and on, but don't expect me to knock on your door, cuz I don't do that. You gotta knock on MY door! Haha! Thanks!"

Now, granted, for awhile, I sat back and waited, too. And then it occurred to me (and I was also urged to do so), that I should, perhaps, knock on a few doors. So I did.


I felt defeated and frustrated. And annoyed. And, just so you know, when I get annoyed, I walk away.

But then I thought, some time later, well, okay, this being alone kinda sucks, and the periods of loneliness were cropping up a bit more frequently, and that sucked. So I heard about this other site, heard some really positive comments about it, and I thought, what the hell? I've got nothing to lose. So off I went, and joined the new site, and did the profile thing, and posted my picture, and...waited. And waited. guessed it...waited.

Now, to be perfectly frank, for some reason, I really paid attention to my profile, and the site itself. It was different. It seemed more...interactive. I like interactive. Engage me. Let me play. Let me express myself. I can do that! But again, it seemed that many women were just there to yak on about themselves, with no real intention of actually doing what the site is all about: DATING.

Also, I decided that, in order to increase my chances (that sounds terrible, but really, it needs to be said), I should not limit myself to just my city ( which is what I initially had limited myself to...bad idea), or region, or even country. LET'S GO GLOBAL! And omg, the number of amazingly hot women, with wonderfully tantalizing profiles, really snagged my interest. And then I thought, well, settle down, and be the woman you want others to be. So I knocked on a few doors, said polite but flattering things, without any kind of pressure, guessed it...NOTHING. I sent off five such notes. I received four notes of: Hey, thanks, that was really nice of you to say. You live in Canada, huh? Wow. Take care! (insert smiley face.)

And then there was the 5th note. I received a very lovely response from a woman who said my note was a pleasant surprise...and then she actually went on with various comments and anecdotes that were totally engaging and inviting. Even from her profile, I could tell she was intelligent, and grounded, and funny, and attractive. We emailed back and forth for awhile, and then I made the choice to remove the conversation from the dating site to more private, personal email. And after awhile of that, I made the decision to give her my phone number. We've been talking steadily, strongly, ever since.

She laughed when I told her the story of how I changed my settings from local to global. Her words: I would never have seen you. I was looking for someone in my backyard. You were busy scouring the world.

There's also this: She's accustomed to being the one who does the wooing. The one who seduces. Takes charge. The one who seeks out, makes the connection, and proceeds from there. That's not happening here. That is so not happening here. I'm the one making the decisions (in a good way). I'm the one sending cards. Email updates. Calling. Flowers. And she likes it. A LOT. This was not a conscious thing on my part...but my subconscious is very powerful. And I know what I need. And so I like this, too. A LOT. It works.

So far.

And it's good.

So far.